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A.Coward.To.Love.A.Whore.To.Lust Name: E:O:O Age: 27 Location: Occupation: Native Speaker Contact: mam.opice@gmail.com 
 
January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 August 2006 March 2007 a:link { color: #104E8B;text-decoration: none;cursor: hand;} a:hover { color: #1E90FF;text-decoration: none;cursor: crosshair;} a:visited { color: #1C86EE;text-decoration: none;} a:active {color: #104E8B;text-decoration: none;} .title { font-family: verdana, sans-serif; color: #6795ED; font-size: 30px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: left; background-color: #000000; padding: 3px; } .line { background-color:"#104E8B"; height: 1px; |
So this is how it is, finally. The colors bled for a long time, and now that we have built the mirror, our projections distort our reality. I have never been so lonely in my entire life and really depressed. Uncommon how my anger has subsided into complete apathy to this world and my surroundings. Sleep is constantly on my mind, the only escape route I have granted myself. I find Americans to be terribly hard to make friends with, no progression, just stale rotten states that we all live in. sickening. . To update the unpresent unpresentables, I have been living back in America since October, 2005. Flew back halloween into the dismal vacuum of JFK airport, knowing this change might be for the worse. I am now living in Tucson, Arizona, for better or worse, worse it seems, this city is exactly the example of America I wanted to advoid. I don't know what to say. Shit. Ah, yes, yes, the friendless life is back again. I rush home from my job (until yesterday), craving the lonliness and mass dosages of distractions. Propiety is rampant everywhere, and so it has inflicted me with the same disease, chained and hopping around blind. But, I am happy with my new mac notebook. Could be too nice sometimes, damn shame. My goal is to get out of here, out of HERE, it's HERE, please run, oh my god, run, it's here, where?, here, HERE, out of here, it's Here, run quick, please, please run, but not forwards, no, here, out of HERE, run not forwards, out of HERE, here, it is here, right now, so run backwards, please run, please, run backwards, innwards, out of HERE, through the core, backwards, please, run please, out of here, cause it's here.....OR MAYBE IT IS NOT HERE! EVER THINK ABOUT THAT! JESUS MARY HALLELUJAH. this had to have been my most inane post. . It's really something special to be able to look up at the stars and to see straight into space. All the stars appear so perfect, nothing penetrating my mind that they are at different distances. Everything seems perfect, just right, in the way that god Does have a plan. And to say the least, i am amazed with the choices of reality and the ability to be able to walk either alone or with a companion down any path I choose. Right, left, straight, it all leads somewhere, and that place I want to be remembered as an unknown organism, starving and thawed until I arrive. Please, all humans, just relax for a second and consider why you choose these certain paths. Nobody wants to suffer. . But really, when all that has been said comes to pass, the last man standing will be the one holding a pretzel and a coke in their hands as the sound of their munching and slurping drowns out the sickening sound of this hollowed earth, this nightmarish dementia. Yeah, I've got a handful of sand in my pocket, and what does that mean when it will all eventually sliver through the hole in the fabric caused by worrisome boredom as I stand outside the store, THE store, the one with half naked ladies laughing at you from the glass walls. They laugh because they are prisoned in a frame, a piece of fucking wood, or some composition that the Chinese use to save us money and so they can be more abusive to their own people. They are laughing at us margarita!! They laugh cause they know the truth, they see that every step any of us take, any breath we inhale, will have some dire unforseen effect and there is nothing we can do about it. The sand that drips from my pocket kills all that build their houses with hay and mud. To be so adjacent to everything, our necks all break off, like a duck getting it's head blown off. We fly spinning and flipping, flopping and moaning, tearing and swearing through jove's deep thick shit, gasping and pulling, red, blue and yellow. Feels mighty good to be alive again, but not in this place, the ever combustiable smokehouse. Feels mighty good to be alive again. Yep. Yep. . More experiments. The digital darkroom is quite addictive. Such a quiet, clean space where a man can get some real thinking done.  "Bliss" - Ruska Ulice, Prague  "Pozor!" - Ruska Ulice, Prague  "Ohen" - Ruska Ulice, Prague  "Zhnout" - Ruska Ulice, Prague  "Znamka" - Prasky Hrad, Prague . Expirements, expirements...it's all I got at this time, this place....just these relfections:  "The Eye of the Storm" - Self-Portrait  "The Way We Weren't" - Stare Mesto, Prague  "Childhood" - Letenkse Sady, Prague  "Dog Days of Summer" - Zizkov, Prague  "Scatter" - Hlavni Nadrazi, Prague  "Pillow" - Krčsky Zámek, Prague  "fate lives" - Tunnel under 'U Prasneho Mostu', Prague  "A Room for None" - Terezin, Czech Republic  "Distill" - Josefov, Prague  "Untitled" - Florenc Bus Station, Prague . The World Warms Up But Only To Rain On Us : The New Rainbow Pharoahs and their servants. The golden rod bequethed to the chosen one, to the one with the young tight skin hugging her face. A golden snake hidden in a bird's nest, unknowing of its doom. A failure like all of us, thinking that the prize is life and not death. The talons will grip us all in the end, and the sharp points will cut deep into our mortality. Golden blood swirling in a crimson bowl, an orange streaked wind in the silver sky carrying the pious scent to the catacombs of our ancestors. Nothing can be stopped as everything is in motion, a whirling epicentre of all life. Silver buddhas gleam their black decaying teeth as their laugh, etched into stone, echoes to the beating of distant drums. As silver is amiss, so is time, as the blanket that is pulled over our heads hides us from the bronze horizon ever lurking to push the sun into our watery eyes. So empty, so cold, so distraught. Collision aftermath. Sparks flutter away in a spiral course, chasing eath other's trails of fallen tears. Creation. We are smiled upon, drying the tears so the land can become fertilized and the lifeless hot sparks are given wings. These are the white moths, luminating the gripping dawn as we all awake to a new beginning, raising the newborn effigy to our gods. Praise yourself for we are all the new gods born from the old. Love yourself, truly love yourself and watch your skin dissolve away to reveal only energy. Energy of motion is the energy of will, we are made of the universe, a spectacular fractal to the nth degree. . Shoe Stacking I am fucking depressed. I am fucking confused (took long enough). I am ramming my hand down my throat and gagging so loudly that every passer-by joins in and shoves their filthy hands down my mouth and up my ass. What can I do but tilt my head upwards and let my eyes search the sky for the question that I have found so many answers to. I have a habit now of taking pictures of just the sky overhead, only on clear blue skies, where my eye through my lens creates a line of sight that lasts infinitely. If there is so much good in this world (which I truly do feel), then why does the little minority of shit always take over and have the upper hand? I truly do not like this world, I am very sick of it and do not want to be here any longer. Tell me to show up. . Soul Defecation Bleached visions loom across the wind-carved white rocks of the desert's edge. The cold dark blue sky seems to be holding the world into place as the mountains in the near distance try to make a vertical escape from their prison. My feet burrow into the crumpled flesh of rigpa, the cool wet sand beneath. Here are some random thoughts of engagement of mine, meaninglessly mine: 1: A frown is a smile of lonliness 2: I am a thorn in the side of anybody I come to meet. The only thing I can hope for is to dull the sharpest of points into the dullest of pricks; of which I am. 3: Golden fury sun, goddess of all carbonic life, take me back to your source. Ignite these walls of imprisonment so I can be finally free. 4: 'Sorry'. A sorry is really only due when an unconscious act has been commited that either offends or disrupts. 5: Buffalo, New York: America's failed attempt at Communist-style architecture. 6: Commit yourself to freedom. The pen is powerful and can't be caged within any boundries. Sixty-four twirls, as the skirts of humanity rise up and over our knees, a cushioned sofa floating full of burning desires and blanketed in the milk white color of your beautiful flesh. I love you. . Keep on Walking Along So, I don't know what to say about what is below these poisioned words. Can I call it a sketch for a story I was working on? A portion, an ingredient for yet another unfinished dish? I lost a huge portion (the beginning) and the parts after this are in a really bad state, though this little portion needs a lot of work still. But, here is Untitled-40937 ------------------------------------- DELETED! Sorry, I really hated it. ------------------------------------------- . Below are two passages from two great books. Random but precise, unrelated but ageless. Nabakov's Laughter In The Dark: 'Once upon a time there lived in Berlin, Germany, a man called Alibinus. He was rich, respectable, happy; one day he abandoned his wife for the sake of a youthful mistress; he loved; he was not loved; and his life ended in disaster. This is the whole of the story and we might have left it at that had there not been profit and pleasure in the telling; and although there is plenty of space on a gravestone to contain, bound in moss, the abridged version of a man's life, detail is always welcome.' Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness: ' "...they were no colonists; their administration was merely a squeeze, and nothing more, I suspect. They were conquerors, and for that you want only brute force--nothing to boast of, when you have it, since your strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others. They grabbed what they could get for the sake of what was to be got. It was just robbery with violence, aggravated murder on a great scale, and men going at it blind--as is very proper for those who tackle a darkness. The conquest of the earth, which mostly means the taking it away from those who have a different complexion or slightly flatter noses than ourselves, is not a pretty thing when you look into it too much. What redeems it is the idea only. An idea at the back of it; not a sentimental pretence but an idea; and an unselfish belief in the idea--something you can set up, and bow down before, and offer a sacrifce to...." ' Hmmm....America's foriegn policy anyone? . displaced in this era, erased from this picture, Fractured leg, limp, limp, thump the twisted mangled foot on the dying ground, the cracked residue of what is inside, of what is bleeding on the outside, the gurgling screams of failure, the twisted lines of reality. Blame me sister for the calloused stride I ride, for my eyes only see my feet and the equations drawn on yours, recursive, submissive contigency. Echo on, Echo off.... Fleece, oh my god! absorb the sweating embarresement of my thoughts.......love, ricochet....ricochet. . I wish I had been George Bush Jr.'s roommate or friend in college. That would had been good times. yeah. . OOoooo Crystal, black black, winding me up for the free fall, a show for all, black black price. Blink the leaves, of course!!!! shout the stem, I know This Already!! Leet Meee Outtt!!!! No hesitation, just do it, throw it, long arm, strong arm, for why did you practive your whole childhood for this now facing event? Look look look, love, no no look, look Love, no, here look, Here, Look! Man, the artwork on juice containers is great. Somebody should start an art collection of them. Don't fuck with the juice. 62 . Pet me and I will smile. The frown pulls heavily on my face. Eyes seeping down displaying blood vessels, which in turn mix with the heavy set blue lines just underneath to create a morbid effect. A Puss swollen look, the whites of the eyes trapping the yellow light from the glaring stares all around, white and black speckled figures holding various limbs in transposed positions. A few stand, some float, all blink on and off making my eyes water. The salty taste runs with abnormal haste down my sunken face, filling the space, the place, the cauldron of chaste. What is keeping my lips turned south, tasting sour, passing my conscience to and fro my body? I have everything, but I don't. I don't want anything or anyone, and I don't, but I do. This is so fucking stupid, I am so fucking stupid. I can't even write how I feel. It is just not venting through words, I can't make the ideas slap you in the face and FEEL. Everything is circular! No, ROTATIONAL. Dizzying, thirst, PLEDGE MY SOUL TO MY BELIEFS, lacquer lacquer lacquer, plastic soccer plaque hanging in my room 12 years ago, Destroyed, GARBAGE, FAKE, too liberal for my tastes. Chili powder, ancient river villages in the Ghats of India, fuck fuck fuck all wrong. Fuck me. I will never do this again. I have lost nothing which is exactly why. . Let The Dog Die ...and in the end it will all fade away. And in the end the darkness will creep unto an undesireable projection. to witness the guilt, to place the blame, an unworthy soul like myself can never really feel as most feel. I cry sometimes for the gift of sight and taste; to be able to laugh in symphony with the gluttonous bloated entrails of the gallows humor. The curtains begin to rise to reveal the bloodshed. The pit vibrato to the pitch of the audience gasping at the horror on stage. It's me, naked little me standing in the spotlight with one hand covering up my penis and my other hand raised in a left-turn signal fashion. "...Hi". I left the dog lying still with no goodbye, no mental rememberance. I walked into the dark field to feel the mist on my face and to let the moon paint my skin in transparent shades of white. The condensation that left my mouth and nostrils floated and dispersed to passivly seek the next gasping lungs. How could I had followed any path when none were ever visible? I walked through the thick brush, winding my way through the pines and furs cushioned by the gray needled carpet. The chained moon finally broke through the fortified canopy of pine cones and clouds as I neared the cliff over-looking the land. A deep slow pulling of air into my mouth, letting it all swirl softly over my tongue and down the back of my throat. The stillness of the cold winter night, the stone warmth of the moon layed my eyes bare on the object in my arms. The outstretched arms of my dog laid still, with his fur around the neck puffed out and moist with frost. I stroked the fur and stared back into his black dilated eyes hoping to catch a glimpse of life to say 'i'm sorry for nothing'. The bagagge became too heavy to bear and the dog dropped into the crystal snow, into the cold white grave. No last look, no last tears as I walked back to the lonely home. I left the dog lying still with no goodbye, no mental remembrance. Ever get the feeling that you understand the concept feeling for each situation, but you aren't able to really feel it. It's a view from the outside looking in. I think I have dwelled too much into this, and unfortunatly I have almost forgetten what it is to feel true emotions. Sometimes I have to run to a mirror to see what facial expression I am wearing. Instead of seeing what my hair looks like or if I have toothpaste dribble still, I touch my own flesh, my own lips to feel the frown or smile I wear. Dress it up, right, plot its course as I walk through a crowd of people that I would hate to show anything different from the norm. 'Why are you upset Jon? What's wrong?' The sacrifice isn't worth it anymore. Squeezing through the opening, harder and harder each time. The hole is smaller and smaller as I travel through life not linearly, but through loops. I push my way through the closing hole only to reappear in the same spot as the last time it had happened. No advancement on my part, just letting go of the will to use my human birth as an intellectual means. I have found everything I could ever hope for, or rather not hope for, but I have searched for a long long time and in this life I have been granted 'vision'. As I get older, I see that I only possess the 'vision' but nothing more, no tool (understandment) of how to use the 'vision'. I am glad on that latter part actually, because I want the 'vision' to work naturally, just a part of my character and soul. I will not advance this lifetime, especially with my shit attitude towards almost everything. I'm already dreaming, I just need to close my eyes. . 
. Fuck You for being the dawn I awoke to. Fuck You for the trickery, the clouds and rain that hide your own light. Fuck You for giving me the ongoing nightmares. Fuck You for being the nightmare I attach myself to. Fuck You for slipping your hand away when I needed you most. Fuck You for trying to make me feel human again. Fuck You for pushing me down when I was accused by you for being out of my mind (because I had the 'truth inside'). Fuck You for never listening to me. Fuck You for not believing that I know the future already. Fuck You for being atheist, or agnostic, or whatever the fuck it means to not see any point in striving to live life on all possible planes of existence. Flip it, Rip it up, Push the stuffing inside outside. Exposure, assured. Fuck Me for chasing emotions and really understanding their importance. Fuck Me for being content with the world doing what it likes to me as I sit idle in the corner. Fuck Me for wanting. Fuck Me for listening to people telling me I have a purpose. Fuck Me for messing up that purpose and feeling that there is no more hope in this lifetime. Fuck Me for waiting for death so I can live this shit all over again. Fuck Me for thinking next time I will actually start to try. Fuck Me for believing these lies. And they will come for us all in due time, flipping us over, ripping us up, exposing our mortal being to our immortal spirit. We all will be exposed, assured. . I am back biatch! Actually I've gone nowhere, just been staring at this empty post notepad for the past 9 months. Be back shortly. . The Lonely Chicken Dancer till all feathers are plucked, the music don't stop! How awful is it to be addicted to Alphaville's Sounds like a Melody? I know it is one of the worst songs ever recorded, it is beyond all corniness, but..but..the urge! So today is my last day with internet service as well as my final hours of living alone. I hate to give it up and I don't know if I can ever get used to the change again. Atleast the couch I will be sleeping on is kinda comfortable. Umm, this sucks. I brought Trinity over today and she is adjusting pretty well to her foreign surroundings and I really hope she discovers a roommate's Siamese fighting fish. I am praying that she will kill the fish and drink all the water as she could muster. I only say this because Mike deserves it, he is already annoying the fuck out of me. He is the New Englander preppie boy gotta iron my shirt and spray cologne before I go out kind of person, Sharon is a manic depressant (what's new...), Gerland has a physics degree and loves to get stoned with me and going to the pub across the street for interesting conversations, and Kat (yes, that is her real name) is the biggest couch potato I have ever met (sorry Amy, you have now been defeated!) and is a total control-freak and a horrible girlfriend to Gerald. So the 5 of us + Trinity will definitely have an interesting 3 months. No more music whenever I feel like it, no more smoking cigs inside while slouching in a chair, no more bong hits in a cozy heated room, no more chicken dancing (naked), and finally no peace and quiet so I can think to myself! I'm thinking about you. Some say "remember the Alamo", well I say "remember to screw the Alamo, head for the riverwalk instead!". For a good read, research CIA's project: stargate. . San American Listening to covenant invokes such strong emotions in me. Hot, dry late spring weather. Warm valleys, windy foothills and strong-sun cool-breeze coasts. Driving with the windows down through the sunny and inclined San Francisco streets with music at the perfect volume where the music becomes a part of your senses as you watch reality go by your eyes. At this level, the sky is alive with sound, everything moves in a harmonious fashion, like a musical catwalk. A best time of life, enjoying these types of occasions while getting a quick whiff of the floral perfume from a person I love, and her gentle hand slipping into mine as if everything would be alright if only life can stay like it is at this very moment. I miss it, I miss it so much, the vibrations, the energy, the glances, the silences, the caring for each other's lives more than we cared about our own. The blurring of the valley oaks as the car sailed by, the beautiful mountains on the horizon, sheltering the farmland at its foot. Pier 39, laughter, driving the wrong way down one-way streets, more laughter, cliff house, winding streets, straightened horizons, warmth. Yeah, this is what I think every time I listen to covenant. The song has ended and so has my dream of love. Some say "remember the Alamo", well I say "remember that I am intelligently stupid" I have to re-edit all of these posts because of way too many grammatical and spelling mistakes. What the hell is wrong with me. Last night I had to listen to 5 hours of my friend saying "I keep on crying and I can't stop" over and over. My friend had a really bad depression/anxiety attack yesterday and fortunately I knew how to help her, as none of her roommates knew what the fuck to do so they all went to sleep before I even got to their apartment. I walk in with the spare keys (since I am moving there this Saturday) to hear her hysterically crying and her other 3 roommates sleeping with their doors closed. I fucking swear, this is why I hate the Americans living in Prague. They are completely immature, straight out of college, never had a worry in their filthy rich lives type of people. They just piss me off, creating cliques all throughout this city, competing against each other to see who is the more 'elite' group, it is like high school. Maybe I am biased because I don't like the social scene in most cases, and in Prague's case, it's stupid. So I consoled her as best as I could, and she had started to pack her things up so she can fly back to America. This world is too fucked up, I mean look at what it does to people. Most humans lose it after a while, only so much plastic we can ingest. Look at the older generations and see how completely insane they have become from this unnatural lifestyle. We have created an over-complicated and completely useless world, destroying the natural world in our path for some artificial glory. We won already, give it up! Start giving back to nature what we so blindly destroyed at a time when we probably didn't know the long term effects of their efforts. We are just another bump in the cycle of life and time, but we built a world for ourselves where a lot of people tend to forget this. If the current pace is kept for destroying this world, humans will not be able to survive on this planet. Sooner or later we will have to build artificial environments, like the government has been testing out. I also wonder when did humans first realize that the preceding human race will be a lot more advanced in all aspects of technology and intelligence? I guess my point is that I understand what Sharon is going through, because if I have felt it and witnessed it with other people before. But that really isn't a point, more like a complete fucking waste of time. Right now I have the urge to go to American River College, stand up in front of the class and just scream! Scream for the holy!! Scream for their hell! Scream and launch the air-born anguish, like a bacteria, instantly taking affect and causing everyone's eyes to bleed and their tongue turn green with pus. Maybe not that far, but I do want to just scream in front of a class. Strange, I mean where do my desires really lie? . Pricked Love: How I became a vampire today.... Like a shriveled blanket of dust, I rolled out of bed this afternoon to the glorious rays of clouds and to the loving touch of cold wooden floors. I have been listening to a lot of Massiv in Mensch and Tear Garden lately, and it is making for a good Saturday afternoon atmosphere. I don't know if I ever say this, but I love music, it encompasses almost every aspect of my life. I must listen to atleast 5 hours of music a day in my cd player or on my computer. I usually spend an hour a day experimenting with my synths, but not for the reason of creating music, rather so I can listen to still more music, but in a different form. A while ago, after arriving heavily hungover to my morning class on Tuesday, I spaced out while writing something on the board. I started to humm without realizing what I was doing. Now, every time I hum in that class, most of my students will begin to hum with me, usually a cacophony. My students are usually in their late 20's or early 30's in age, so it is definetly weird, but kinda fun. I am trying to feel better today. Thinking back at my mental state yesterday, it scares me so. Depression is a very bad thing, a very strong force that claws your mind, rips off fragments of memories and poisions the well of hope. It also seems that depression gets heavier and heavier feeling as you get older, or atleast in my case. I am a helpless man, with no motivations to live everyday life, and no forseeable love (which encompasses more than a female). If I do make it into my 'middle age' years, I can't possibly imagine the pains of solely breathing will bring forth. Some say "remember the alamo", well I say "remember the frogs, the bioecological canary" . Tickling_The_Fog It is ridiculous to be able to speak out loud about anything. I definitely do not feel comfortable speaking about certain things around people that I don't know extremely well. I do have trust issues, but rightly so. And that is my main problem; I feel that I can never trust a person enough to really ever want to be with them. Plus, I am really weird, so I don't really much going for me, or do I. I personally find the people who are able to babble anything and everything to be quite emotionless. I like to have each of my words backed with a deep thought on the topic first and I think a little secrecy is more beneficial than harmful. My emotions are shivering, confusion fogs the horizon, unsure if the sensation is pain or joy. Tickling me, but behind the laughter I have the feeling of shoving everyone away from me, so the sensation would cease. I have been extremely depressed and confused for the past week and I know where I am headed and how it will all end. The swirling chaos in my head rotates faster and faster as time goes on, with strong and weak undulating waves jumping sporadically awry. Some say "remember the Alamo", well I say "remember to always snap into a slim jim". I am witnessing my own self-decay and it is sickening. Slowly rotting into a nematode worm's self-serve fast food joint. I welcome it, let the physical world melt all around me, as I will still keep my mind and my thoughts to the sky. Stripped away of all manners of time, no more physical shell imprisoning my soul in hell. Just energy, bright warm energy, no physical sight needed to see the beauty that does emanate from all walks of nature, no physical hands needed to be touched by the loving hands of all beings. Drooping dribble flows from the twisted smile, the twisting knife in your skull, etching the symbols of knowledge, the key to finally lock the door. Radiated laughter crushes the cheek bones as your cold inept mind liquefies and races down through your nose. Stale breaths of death, choking misery, inhalation poisoning. Beaches of corporate-laden corpses cover the final footsteps of all that seek. Peer from on in, witness what we never wanted to see. Can you bear this burden? Burn your mind and close your eyes if not. Everything is pointless until we are able to put the question into a human perspective, which is why we all suck. Scream for me! When I move in a week it will be very hard to be able to write, but I am interested in seeing what my emotions will dictate to the paper. I suck at writing though and the only reason I do write is because I don't talk to anymore, nor do I really want to anymore. The same shit flows from everybody's mouth, the same preset expressions for each scenario brought forth. I will not settle for that and it makes it all the more worse. So, I talk to myself all day long and have the patience some days to type them out. Failure. I am seriously planning on moving to Thailand, get some year-round beach action going, abundant fresh tropical fruits, and see monkeys walking around! I like Europe, and Prague is a magnificent city, but Europe gets too much hype from Americans. Europe is great for unbelievable history and old customs, but living and studying in the past can never bring any change into the future for the better. That is the loose idea that Nietzsche once stated and it has been stuck in my mind. Stuck in the past, trying desperately to relive the steps of the renaissance man or of the classical Greeks. Escape. I love this other quote from Nietzsche: "To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both -a philosopher". I understand this in its entirety! I think a lot while living alone, and my moods swing with a greater force for sure. And I prefer this any day over having to socialize with most people. I hate everything and I hate mostly everyone. I don't consider myself 'better' or a 'higher' person, in fact it is quite the opposite, a person who truly has no reason nor place to survive in this world. Going to a pub and watching how people act just angers me, I don't find human behavior to be attractive. All of these purposeless feelings back me up father into a smaller spot, and invisible cage for an invisible being. Part of me wants to start on a lengthily suicide note, just so I can spill my final thoughts, my own requiem. But I know once I do that, the box will be so tight that I will have to make a very rational decision, to either finally end it or become compelled with so much fear of useless loss that I would try to strive to live. It is very tempting, but I know I will end up right back in this hell in some other form, conscious of my past failed attempts at unity. I am so worthless, so fuck you. . A Frozen Plum My cat just crawled up in a pizza box and looks like she is going to sleep. Good girl trin trin. May the mosquitoes bite you never more. Yesterday I wrote a lengthy entry for Whore.Love for roughly 1.5 hours. The fear of any person writing something important on the computer took hold of my computer, causing it to freeze (though I do congratulate windows xp's stability compared to previous windows versions) and I lost it all. I took a day break from writing anything more, as I will not try to re-create the words that I had lost. I find that to be ultra cheesy and emotionless forced garbage. So what I wrote today is totally different from yesterday's writing, but I do wish I hadn't lost it so I can atleast have it for my personal files. So Saturday was Valentine's Day, and the day turned out to be bizarre. It was bleak and transparent until a wonderful person talked to me for some time. The bizarre part is the revelation that unfolded right in my palms; My mental projection portrays such a disgusting image. I haven't ever changed in a manner of speaking, but I must seem gagged and mutilated, left for dead, surrounded by a protective barrier, molecularly with loss and an utter sense of loneliness. It is still me, Jonathan, underneath the voice of pain and depression. I have never lost my sense for corny jokes and I still like to wake up at night and sit in a chair and stare around the room for a little while. Instead of being more interpersonal, I have become more intrapersonal, having given up on the outside world and began to explore my own mind. Soon the time will come when I have to make a very important decision where I will have to trust my soul and my guides. I found the greatest escape, but on the physical plane I am so unhappy. Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget how worthless Jonathan really is". The second bizarre part happened around midnight, when a good friend of mine came knocking on my door in hysteria and tears. Being the gent I am, I let her in and helped console her as the story she told unfolded into a mental picture-book in my head. Did I worry more about whether I placed too little trees in some of the pictures, or that she just broke up with her boyfriend? Trees or misery? Nature or human-inflicted pain? I ended up finding myself hugging a tree, so I had to pry myself away and tug my own collar all the way to reality. She is a nice person and for some reason I always end up helping people, so I talked with her for 4 hours. I calmed her down and had her speak for a long time before I said any reply. I hope I helped atleast, but I am sure she is back in his bed as I write this. =) =( =| *the faces of Trinity* My thoughts are (sweet home Alabayma) are drifting (because I'm a wiillldd oonneeee), meditative drifting of (like a raynbow in the daarrrkk!!) conscience, irrevently unaware (pour some suga on maaaaye) of time nor (like a maaaniac, maaaaaniiaacc) space. Like a stone, concrete, gray wall looming up into the heavens, infinite reach, inifite height. I do not understand infinity, and I really think that nobody can ever really grasp its concept. But what do we humans do? We stick it with the mathematicians and they drill it unnaturally into formulas and equations. Everytime I hear the word 'infinity', my breath stops, I feel my mind becoming very confused until it locks up, with the entire process taking a splitsecond. Why do we humans rely on science and mathematics so much? Do they really have the potential to spew out all the answers to the universe? My opinion, no. I see using infinity in equations as a false relief, a false assurance that we can acknowledge the true meaning of its very essence. It's funny how the moment a human shrieks as they take a step backwards our of fright, a cat's ears will automatically perk up,signaling the motive of 'move in a secure the area'. They will usually walk, cautiously, to the spot where us human felt our skin crawl. Why Do You Feel The Need To Think...... To Strive In This Abyss... Your Body Heavy, Your Head Acting As The Dead Weight.. There Is Nothing here, Just Blinding Emptiness.. Your Mind, The Greatest Magician Of Reality. . Settle For Less Later Settle for the score, do not tempt my vengeance anymore. Which cup shall I drink from hereforth shall only be laced with poison of my own making. Derr....the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre is playing soon in Prague, which I will try to attend. The Czech translation as seen on billboards around the metro stations is 'Texaský MasakR Motorovou Pilou'. I really love this title as the name just screams murder. I think the only reason I am going to try to see this flick is so I can say the title in Czech, as a drone, while I walk into the theatre and then when I walk out afterwords. If everyone would just make up a song for each activity of the day, improvise, grunt upwards when strolling and glimpsing upwards to see a bird fly overhead , let the sopranos ring when pumping gas for the car, baby wailing alarm clocks! 3 Barbers doing the 3 tenors!! Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget the unrealized reality for each situation". I am trying to think of a few souless writers, but I am so damn sick of thinking, in general. All I ever do is think to myself. This is the exact reason why people will look at you weird and call you strange if you like being alone. They know that you will be thinking alone and they think you are crazy to endure such intensity. People are so afraid to be all alone, where not even the silence can cast away the on rush of thoughts via thinking. Some people will do anything to have a person sleep in their bed every night, just so they won't truly have to think alone. The closer you are to a person, the easier natural telepathy is, as your phsyical reality is set in the same scene. Works for me anyway, as it should for anyone who is good at reading body language and decoding brain waves. But I like to be alone, all the time, and when a friend wants me to hang out, I feel frustrated with myself for ever making friends. It is such a hassle and I don't see why anybody would like to hang out with me anyway. I am certainly not used for my money, nor am I brought to pubs as a women attractor. Maybe it is all the cat hairs I have all over my jacket, friends might use me as a wind-breaker and an insulator with all that cat hair. I don't know where this is going and I lost track of my original thought, so I will end this now. Is it sinister to drink water while watching the snow fall? *This happened yesterday. I am posting this a day later* I interupt this because I am gaining so much power with this insane storm we are having right now! This such an unbelievable storm, I will never forget it. 41 degrees outside, I glance up at the sky through my window and witness a huge black mass downsloping right into my window. I got up out of my seat to investigate, and I was shooken backwards from the huge mass hitting the window. I correct my vision to see that it is ice. I look up at the sky and I saw waves upon waves of ice, which I believe to actually be hail. The wind now is going 40 miles per hour (according to up to second weather conditions) and it seems to be swirling, possibly a rotation. I then see the zizkov tower, which is 2 blocks away from my window view, go up in a swirl of wind and ice, whipping around it, shaping like a funnel. I get a little worried that a tornado has touched down 2 freakin blocks away from me and that my camera has no batteries. And suddenly the ice changes into massive snow flakes, being blown doward at atleast 30 miles per hour. It looked like butterfiies being blown down, with their wings trying to act like parachutes. Now I am sitting back down, the wind died down a little, but the sky is black and the snow is falling at an unbelievable rate. Uh, and I just heard some loud thunder. A really great storm and I am going to go out now to investigate the scene. Goodbye warm weather, 57 degrees everyday last week and welcome home winter, we missed you! . Wicked Palace As the president, what does it feel like to have that much power and control? Can you giggle at that notion, walk with a broken spring in and out of news briefings? Do all the world leaders have fun together, in this intricate puzzle we have built for ourselves? Are we the rats running the labrynth while the leaders stand around laughing at our doom? It's all a game anyway, and I find it so interesting none the less. I can't be upset or depressed about the fate of the world anymore, because truthfully I am too fascinated like a little boy with watching the behaviours and actions of as many people in this world that I can. I definetly haven't stopped my laughter about the situation though, hoping that, whoever is controlling this world through an arcade game machine, just touched jelly-slimed controller knob and one of the buttons is sticky from peanut butter, so the button sticks a lot. Luckily, this button only controls our alarm clocks, so when it does stick, our alarm clocks somehow turn off by themselves, causing us to be late for work and having to try to explain the alarm clock to our boss. Damn you creator, you wicked bastard! Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget that rain falls downwardly" Today I went to the Book Palace for my first time and quickly became happy when I saw the volume of books in this store. I might have licked my chops as well, but that is just an instinct. 4 floors of books, including a nice cafe, and it had a brilliant English section. 40 minutes later, and after finger-printing dozens of books, I walked out of the store with John Irving's 'Setting Free The Bears', which I started on the tram ride home and I already hooked. I also bought lighter fluid today, which makes me super happy. Dobře. "If you bring lions to your home, They'll want to stay for dinner" . Bulgarian Rhapsody In Bulgaria, the word yes is "da" and no is "ne" (i think), but when shaking your head up and down, it will mean no. When you shake your head from side-to-side, it means yes. Kinda weird, eh? So if I ever venture into Bulgaria, I will remember not to shake my head for anything, and just stick with the words da and neh. Cf course it is engrained into us to shake our heads at the same time saying yes or no. God, just please conform already! For the freaking love of tuberculosis! So I just tried another fine selection of czech marijuana, and all I can say is "wow". A very fruity batch, keep on tasting an orange flavor with a nice sweet flowerly smell that makes me jingle to that ol' nursery rhyme. But I do feel blessed to be surrounding by such beautiful buds, the fine threaded golden hairs, the voluptious piercing crystals and the perfect manicured leaves. Makes for a beautiful smoke, especially on a beautiful fall Sunday afternoon, with the wind hinting of a ever-nearing winter, the sun making its way by patches through the half leafed maple trees, as the SquiRRelS DrEAm oF rIPPING YoUR FucKIN EyES OUT. "Some say never forget the alamo, well I say never forget to de-virgin a marijuana flower". Amen brotha. I had a revelation today, but the aftertaste was mighty sour. I realized that I learn the Czech's months as I live in that month. So I know that February is Unor, but I won't know March for another 3 weeks. Kinda shitty to have to live through 12 months to finally know just 12 measly Czech words. And what is worse is, that I started this rememberance in January, even though I moved here in July! I got suckered-punched out of 6 months! I admit I am very bad with the Czech language, and spend most of my time poking fun at it, instead of really trying to learn it. I teach English for god's sake, should it be any other way? I am kidding around, but the language is quite difficult, I believe it is the 2nd or 3rd hardest language to learn (first being danish). My motivation to learn Czech more constantly, was raped by the fact that only 10 million people speak Czech. But, if I can learn Czech really well, then I can understand most Slavic languages pretty easily. Between The Czech and the Slovak (slovakia mother tongue), the difference is like between Spanish in Mexico and Spain. Some words are different, but on the whole you will understand 90%. Another slavic language is of course a biggie, Russian. Russian does use a different form of alphabet, but once you learn the letters, the words will be simliar sounding to Czech. There are a few more countries that speak a Slavic language. I like being here. I like sitting in front of a desk here looking at the Zizkov Tower through my window, with the beautiful whispy clouds we had today and such spring-like weather! It hit 56 today, just incredible. Right now at 10:10pm, it is still 52 degrees. It is exactly like the eye of the hurricane, just a nice little break before the onslaught of artic air and feiry blown snow. Enjoy the democracy kiddies, because papa is going to war. I feel that the next big anxiety of a riot in the world will be when humans are being born with a different shaped cranium. Governemnt will be locking up as many of these babies as possible, police shooting at free will as an irregular-cranium shaped baby girl is trying to crawl through the street, with a fatal terror of 'run for your life' look in her eyes. The government at first impliments a program called 'snatch and twist', which is actually what the people of the rebellion called it. The formal government name was coded: C.U.A. Control.Under.Analyzation. In reality, government medial officials were stationed in special designated buildings for the birth process. If the baby was 'of the other type', it would be immediatly be taken away into a secured wing of the hospital, made special for the goverment for their famous label; 'problem'. The evolved human were still being born without government supervision all over the world, and the governement could not contain it one bit. The problem turns out that these evolved humans try to outlive by any means necessary the former 'regular humans'. It isn't forced, but it is part the natural selection of species. Us, as we once proclaimed to be the top of the animal kingdom, are now pushed down a notch, with some of us now realizing that we actually do survive in order to live (like the jocks, princesses) and others of higher thinking now seeing that we can be a doomed race, as they out do us in everything. Just like the short-necked and long-necked giraffe situation. And I just thought of the coolest idea for a website. Here is the deal: It is a writing website, where people create FREE accounts, and it is for writing stories. The catch is, you have to add a paragraph a day, otherwise your account gets cancelled. So it is a challenge, a big challenge, at the same time fun and a very imaginative tool. After say a month, or 3 months, a panel of judges is picked to read over the people still in the game, and pick the best story, idea, etc, etc. Maybe I will try to setup a website like this. Am I insane? Help me if I am. . My cat is pissy at me for some reason. It has been like this for a couple days now, I feel this coldness, the 'evil eye of the woman', if you will, and we haven't been hanging out at all. Kind of weird. Ok, the scoop is that my cat, Trinity, and I have really deeply bonded. And you know what, I am so FUCKING SICK of people asking if I got the name from the matrix. Like I remember how me and my ex-girlfriend (I wish it didn't have the ex next to it though =..{ ) got our cat's name? It might have been from the movie, The Matrix, I am not sure, but now I want to find out. I think she named the cat. Anyway, about the bondage. Bonds SHOULD be called bondage, because that is what bond came from, and it really reveals the true nature of the word. I think humans shortened the word bondage (negative meaning) to bond (positive meaning) because of the very reason of trying to bring some positive notion into this world. The only heavenly golden rays striking the earth is just in our head. But Trinity is a special cat and I love her a lot. We bonded because we both witnessed something bad. I wish I could have been the father, and Trinity the little hair callus-prone boy, and I would have tried to protect her, maybe by covering her eyes, but the sound of wailing misery would have hurt her just the same. Have I covered her big fragile ears, she would have been blinded by the utter abondement. And if I had covered both her mouth and ears, she would have smelled the wretched decay of my life. Forget about what I felt during that time, but Trinity's reaction alone would have brought anyone to tears. If I have ever heard real deep sobbing from an animal, it was then. Meanwhile, she would hide in a dark corner, all coiled up like a snake, just wimpering and never picking her head up, as it was hidden in her massive fur. It is hard for me to think about the first night, without my eyes feeling they are about to pour water all over myself, and it is very fragmented in my head as well. But I clearly remembering trying to pick up and hug Trinity, but each time I finally was able to catch her, I would be crying so loud she would freak out even more and she would jump out of my arms and go berzerk. She lost a lot that day, 2 bestfriends. Can't forget vacy-poo-poos! And this is what I teach my students everyday, stuff like the word bondage and bond. hahaha. Just kidding, though I do come pretty close sometimes to my own philosophical rules for English grammar or for any question my students my pose. Usually I use this tactic when I don't know the real answer, so I will go off on a philosophical tangent, mixed in are some jokes so I don't have to hear the deafining silence of their melting brains, and I spew out this conglmaration of stale puked english garble. But on a more sane note, I do incorporate into my classroom the excerise of using one's brain as the muscle it is. It needs to be worked, and I think my students really appreciate me giving them an hour and half of their day out to working their brains for once. I hated the office drone you become, sitting at work atleast 8 hours a day staring at a computer monitor, collecting empty instant-coffee plastic cups in the corner of your snug cubicle, and right above on the one little area of desk where you would have some room to actually use a pen and write, stands the 1 picture of your loved one and 2 pictures of your pets. So I ask my students a lot of philosophical, social, and some times medical type of questions. Not only do they get to pratice using English (american style, yo!), they get to use it in a natural situation. I really do not like workbooks, like Headway because they can't teach the students this type of thing. Sure, the newer editions are trying to add content like this, to make the students think, but it still falls short and can never be the real thing. I am anti-livejournal and here is why I choose blogs over livejournal any day of the week. Think of the name livejournal. Journal. Who the fuck really wants to read another person's journal? Well, it is nice to read the journal's of the real kind of person. Let me explain because I lack apparently vocabulary that would explain this in like 3 words. I don't feel everybody in this world should be given a journal. The people who would naturally use a journal are the ones who should use it. So a website with the explosive popularity of livejournal.com is going to attracte a lot more un-natural journal users (the real deal), adding to the overabundent crap found on the internet. Do I really want to see some un-natural journal user's livejournal and read about this person painting their nails 3 different colors and what the person bought at the mall? That is why I prefer blogs, because that kind of spammage is tend to be found less. I want to hear a program that will say the infamous "hello world", and then you hear every ethnic and cultural voice found in the world, saying "Hello" and then what ever your name is. That, I would enjoy to hear. I bet at this instant some kid is looking at the under-side of his first special owned cd and frowning at the magnitude of scratches on the surface. Well I say Tough luck big cheeks, go to mama and drink your apple-juice. Good night! . today was a good day. I feel naked. I love lunacy, it brings out the real espionage down on market street. It is so weird when your physical shell and the person you really are don't feel in harmony. Somedays I wake up and I feel my real person sticking its head out this physical shell, maybe trying to get some fresh air from all the toxins and disease I inhibit. It definetly makes it a hard day on me, to even accomplish the simplest tasks. But why is the person side me trying to physically escape? Does it mean I want to kill myself, or I need to kill myself? Maybe this is a signal, a warning, I should get out now before I won't be able to for some unknown reason. I guess I am ready to pack my bags for a little mind trip, but I am afraid that there is no return ticket. Nobody ever makes a real guarentee. Why? Because us humans love conflict. We a lot of times create a conflict on purpose, so maybe that is it right now. My body and mind are in conflict. What is bizarre is that I feel like the guy in the middle of them 2. But how can that be, I have to side with one of them and be that one. I really do hope I am my soul, that I didn't leak all over my skeleton and now I am death. Maybe the earth is where we die in the whole spectrum of things, so this is hell, the souless ones. I mean look around and see the horrors that are committed everyday, there is no one innocent person on this planet. We are so disgusting, because we are in hell. Hell is disgusting. What the hell did I do wrong before being put into hell?!? Hopefully it was something cool atleast, if you are gonna suffer in hell, might as well have done something pretty extreme to get here. Maybe that is the 'devil talking inside of me'. Heh. Anybody who has to deal with my corniness will know at that moment they are in hell, as it is just horrid, but I like it. Going back to the soul leakage, maybe this is not hell, and my soul didn't weaken so, where it would finally crack and I would become the skeleton of death. Maybe I am my soul, but there is some dark entity inside of me, and really there is no room for him. Maybe this demon-eque entity is putting these strange thoughts and feelings into my head, trying to force the person inside me out, so it can have total control over me! Such a conflict in my life, jesus. Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget to not piss off your garbagemen". naschledanou! . M.E.L. Students of mine told me at one time about the name Mel, as in Mel Gibson. Mel was a very popular name during communist Russia, but with a totally different meaning from the American perception of 'innocent Mel'. Mel stands for 'Marx.Engels.Lenin'. M.E.L. Mel. Pretty sweet, eh? If you said yes then you are a Commie and I will have to kill you. Kidding....*looks around*. Friday night I got really wasted, to the point of swaying when standing up. I was dreaming of drinking beer and doing other things all last week, so it felt good to get out, not to have to worry about work, and to try to have a fun social time. The night started out going to Mala Strana, to a tiny club that a Czech we knew was playing with his band at the place. The music was Czech punk, so it didn't settle too well with me, but the guy we knew was the singer and he put on a good show with a lot of energy. The beer was cheap and plenty. I enjoyed this part of the night a lot, just chatting with 2 other friends. Outside, the temperature was hovering around 1 degree fareinheit, and steadily plummeting down to pure artic weather. We left the club to go to a different place where people we knew were. Stupidly, we walked it, going over the river and a few miles into staromestka. We wound up at the Chateau, which is a pub that I extremely hate. It is a huge expat bar, with sleazy people everywhere and usually way over-crowded, even with the 2 floors of room. Plus, the drinks are a little on the high side. All of us got exremely drunk, and when it was time to leave, that is when hell knocked on my door. I congradulate Prague for having night transportation (24 hour public transportation, really godsend), but I really did not enjoy walking across town in order to catch the night tram that goes in the vicinity of my flat. Once at the stop, I had to wait 30 more minutes in the freezing cold, completely wasted. Not fun, i thought i would die. I have never experienced my mouth physically freezing up, to the point that I couldn't talk, if i tried, it sounded as if I had tons of novacaine. Stupidly, I got on the wrong night tram and the closest stop to where I live was about a 2 mile walk. Really sucked. I do remember being on the tram, standing up over this guy since there were no extra seats (these things get packed around 3am when everyone is trying to get home), and this guy was completely purple. He was shaking violently. I have never seen somebody so purple from the cold and I felt bad for him. Eh, done. . BEER Well, the Czech Republic did it again. The citizens of this country consume the most beer litres of beer per person. For 2003, the average for a czech is 165 litres of beer per year (which really isn't a lot, but it counts children, babies, etc.). Second place came Ireland with 148 litres per year and I believe Germany came in third. If one was to consume 165 litres per year, that averages to about 0.50 litres a day a beer, which is not much, actually that is just 1 glass of beer a day (the norm is ordering a half litre of beer here as a drink). Minimal, I drink 3 beers a day, and that is only when I drink with meals (1 beer during lunch and 2 with my dinner). When I go out to the pubs or clubs, add another 5-6 beers to my tab. I definetly had to adjust to the beer culture here, as it has fabalous historical roots in the Czech Republic and people regard beer as a good thing to drink, a social norm. In America, beer and alcohol in general is looked down upon with a tinge of negativity, which I thought was acceptable when I was living in America. But there was nothing like arriving to this country, going to a traditional Czech beer hall and seeing a bunch of old Czech men getting wasted on the most beautiful golden pilsner with massive thick foam-heads. Okay.....now I really want to go to the pub, but alas, I have no money to do so. I don't have enough money for pasta sauce either, so my dinner is consisting of dry pasta and cigarettes. Speaking of money, beer in the Czech republic is the cheapest drink, which adds to its popularity. At a pub, the average price for a beer is 20 kc, which is 77 cents. Water, which is not given free at any restaurant I have seen thus far, costs 25 kc (97 cents). Beer is the water in this country, the liquid life-source. In the supermarkets, a single bottle of Czech beer costs 9kc (35 cents), where a carton of milk the same size costs 15 kc (58 cents). *note, currency conversions listed here is as of today's market, which is not stable and the American Dollar is weakening against the Czech Krown everyday. So will the world someday universally call all beer 'pivo' (the czech word for beer)? I can only hope so =) My work week has ended, even though I have a meeting tommorow afternoon at work, so I plan on getting extremely high and talk to myself and make elaborate shrines in the 4 corners of my room so I can pray to the concrete god with sincere discipline. Gawdz. . I haven't written to you my darling because I have been very busy with teaching and all. These Czechs need a lot of help with English and I am definetly not their man for the job. Today on the metro I saw a very old lady pull out of her purse a picture frame with a man's picture and she squeezed the picture frame to her chest and kept it there. It made me sad. This evening I was on the metro once again, returning from my last class at the contruction site for the new ice hockey arena (which is holding the next ice hockey world cup...yeah, hopefully my students can hook me up with some tickets and a all-I-can-drink-beer coupon), and so I saw a little kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old sitting by himself, having fun playing with the knots in his headphone wires. On to the metro comes an old lady who made the little boy leave his seat so she can sit down. I, as well as everybody around me were pretty stunned. The kid got very scared and ran to the other end of the metro car and exited at the next stop. The old lady kept on pointing to the handicap sign over the seat the boy was seated, but she wasn't handicap! To top it off, there were a lot of open seats in the metro car right near the 'seat' she witched into (yeah, i am making witch into a verb, so bugger off). Difference between Czechs and Americans is that Americans watching this scene would have said something to the lady. The Czechs wouldn't ever, and didn't in this case. I really think Czechs on public transportation day-dream the whole time about goulash and bread dumplings. Yowza. . so yesterday, rather last night, I went to a friend's house to watch "a movie or something", thinking I can persuade certain individuals to go to a pub instead. Well, I fell into a trap! Wicked women! So, 4 hours later, after having to had sit watching the 2 most ungoldy horrible movies I have yet to have seen. I was very much awake so I went home to burn off some energy walking there. Did that really work? Actually, yeah it did. In an almost utopian fashion, an unidentified person approached me yesterday, lashing out and raging, accusing me of complaining too much. Well PERSON UNIDENTIFIED, that was not nice of you. It was a complete 180 degree from your usual mind set. But whatever, YOU CANNOT CENSOR ME!! In a few minutes I have to meet a friend to go around the centre for god knows what. Too cold, but I am bringing my camera for some amusement. Perfect day for the pub! You Pissin me? (i hate you brits!) Oh, the name of the movies I watched last night were Cruel Intentions and About A Boy. Yeah, that was 4 hours of nightmarish hell. . do O Aye Look Green To ME>? -alikeness of wolves, alkaline whores Chicken Soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chicken soup, chick in soup, chick in soup, chick in soup, dead chick in soup, dead chick in soup, bread czech soup, bread czech soup, bread czech soup, bread czech soup, red cheeks up, red cheeks up, red cheeks up, blue smiles frown, blue smiles frown, blue smiles frown, I was once a clown, I was once a clown, on a glorious June day, on a glorious June day, on a glorious June day, I was prince for a day, I was prince for a day, in the yellow streaked moon, pass through the yellow beamed fumes, yellow washed god. My mind is pacing, a before-the-meeting type of pace; hands behind the back, shirt tie in a tight knot, chin pointing at your solorplex, and with the look of knowing you are about to face a situation. Like any situation, as a person, we have a direct outcome that which we alone control. Eh, I think I need to clean my mousepad. For some reason I cannot stop seeing the word "whore" popping into my head for the past few days. Hi, my name is Jon and I am losing my mind. What was the question again sir? Ah, yes, yes, well, *cough*cough*, yes, I was scared for a little while, but why have the extra burden of fear ontop of an already growing problem? Dealing with my melting mind (more like evaporating, but nothing superfluous) I will need all the strength I could muster. Let's just say for the record that I am NOT on my mind's side. It has turned against me. I wish I could hang out with my friends in NY, only for the selfish reason of renewing the close bonds we all shared. Ser had. I guess Ser was a very generous man, indeed he was. I picture him as the monopoly guy, my friend Ser. Anyway, those are the only friends I ever bonded with, though it could it have only been because of the drugs, but it doesn't matter. I'm gonna go watch the snow fall. here is a pretty little poem that wil help you sleep at night. Mother Invisible again, such hatred abound, Strangled life, my suppressed being of need. Please Mother, take back the life you gave, As I have failed you, my creator, My innate sanctuary. Push me back in and close the door, Oh Mother, please deafen my screams. Fell my scratches against your soft tissue, Take the pain fro me, just baby me. The world will go on without me, As you should have never conceived. What did I do wrong to deserve life? Trickery is bliss, isn’t it Mother. Suffering like this, screaming, Like an animals, paws caught in a hunter’s trap. Bury me deep within the cavity of chaos, In your womb, where no light dwells, Only the sound of our beating hearts As one, a unison of devotion, a choir of faith. Let the world hear our rhythm, the beat of reason. Oh Mother, don’t frown at me, so sour to taste, Why refuse my entrance to comfort? Mother, don’t push me away with such powerful haste, No, Mother, no, don’t turn your head to my troubles, Please don’t slap the last of my breath from my chest, Nor dig my shallow grave for my untimely end. One more chance Mother, don’t leave me withering away alone! Oh Mother, please Mother, just touch the tears on my face, Wet with purity as they fall with my innocence, Mother, don’t grab my face with such force, Let the pain flow from me, just look at me with your utter care, Stare Mother, look on with worried eyes, The red stains of agony glued to my hands, Basking in the guilt, the shame of admittance. I took my life, Mother of all fairness, My failure will be your loss. . Hello World . |
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