Tickling_The_Fog

It is ridiculous to be able to speak out loud about anything. I definitely do not feel comfortable speaking about certain things around people that I don't know extremely well. I do have trust issues, but rightly so. And that is my main problem; I feel that I can never trust a person enough to really ever want to be with them. Plus, I am really weird, so I don't really much going for me, or do I. I personally find the people who are able to babble anything and everything to be quite emotionless. I like to have each of my words backed with a deep thought on the topic first and I think a little secrecy is more beneficial than harmful.

My emotions are shivering, confusion fogs the horizon, unsure if the sensation is pain or joy. Tickling me, but behind the laughter I have the feeling of shoving everyone away from me, so the sensation would cease. I have been extremely depressed and confused for the past week and I know where I am headed and how it will all end. The swirling chaos in my head rotates faster and faster as time goes on, with strong and weak undulating waves jumping sporadically awry.

Some say "remember the Alamo", well I say "remember to always snap into a slim jim".

I am witnessing my own self-decay and it is sickening. Slowly rotting into a nematode worm's self-serve fast food joint. I welcome it, let the physical world melt all around me, as I will still keep my mind and my thoughts to the sky. Stripped away of all manners of time, no more physical shell imprisoning my soul in hell. Just energy, bright warm energy, no physical sight needed to see the beauty that does emanate from all walks of nature, no physical hands needed to be touched by the loving hands of all beings. Drooping dribble flows from the twisted smile, the twisting knife in your skull, etching the symbols of knowledge, the key to finally lock the door. Radiated laughter crushes the cheek bones as your cold inept mind liquefies and races down through your nose. Stale breaths of death, choking misery, inhalation poisoning. Beaches of corporate-laden corpses cover the final footsteps of all that seek. Peer from on in, witness what we never wanted to see. Can you bear this burden? Burn your mind and close your eyes if not. Everything is pointless until we are able to put the question into a human perspective, which is why we all suck. Scream for me!

When I move in a week it will be very hard to be able to write, but I am interested in seeing what my emotions will dictate to the paper. I suck at writing though and the only reason I do write is because I don't talk to anymore, nor do I really want to anymore. The same shit flows from everybody's mouth, the same preset expressions for each scenario brought forth. I will not settle for that and it makes it all the more worse. So, I talk to myself all day long and have the patience some days to type them out. Failure.

I am seriously planning on moving to Thailand, get some year-round beach action going, abundant fresh tropical fruits, and see monkeys walking around! I like Europe, and Prague is a magnificent city, but Europe gets too much hype from Americans. Europe is great for unbelievable history and old customs, but living and studying in the past can never bring any change into the future for the better. That is the loose idea that Nietzsche once stated and it has been stuck in my mind. Stuck in the past, trying desperately to relive the steps of the renaissance man or of the classical Greeks. Escape.

I love this other quote from Nietzsche: "To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both -a philosopher". I understand this in its entirety! I think a lot while living alone, and my moods swing with a greater force for sure. And I prefer this any day over having to socialize with most people. I hate everything and I hate mostly everyone. I don't consider myself 'better' or a 'higher' person, in fact it is quite the opposite, a person who truly has no reason nor place to survive in this world. Going to a pub and watching how people act just angers me, I don't find human behavior to be attractive. All of these purposeless feelings back me up father into a smaller spot, and invisible cage for an invisible being. Part of me wants to start on a lengthily suicide note, just so I can spill my final thoughts, my own requiem. But I know once I do that, the box will be so tight that I will have to make a very rational decision, to either finally end it or become compelled with so much fear of useless loss that I would try to strive to live. It is very tempting, but I know I will end up right back in this hell in some other form, conscious of my past failed attempts at unity. I am so worthless, so fuck you.


xero blogged on 2/28/2004 02:31:00 AM


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A Frozen Plum

My cat just crawled up in a pizza box and looks like she is going to sleep. Good girl trin trin. May the mosquitoes bite you never more. Yesterday I wrote a lengthy entry for Whore.Love for roughly 1.5 hours. The fear of any person writing something important on the computer took hold of my computer, causing it to freeze (though I do congratulate windows xp's stability compared to previous windows versions) and I lost it all. I took a day break from writing anything more, as I will not try to re-create the words that I had lost. I find that to be ultra cheesy and emotionless forced garbage. So what I wrote today is totally different from yesterday's writing, but I do wish I hadn't lost it so I can atleast have it for my personal files. So Saturday was Valentine's Day, and the day turned out to be bizarre. It was bleak and transparent until a wonderful person talked to me for some time. The bizarre part is the revelation that unfolded right in my palms; My mental projection portrays such a disgusting image. I haven't ever changed in a manner of speaking, but I must seem gagged and mutilated, left for dead, surrounded by a protective barrier, molecularly with loss and an utter sense of loneliness. It is still me, Jonathan, underneath the voice of pain and depression. I have never lost my sense for corny jokes and I still like to wake up at night and sit in a chair and stare around the room for a little while. Instead of being more interpersonal, I have become more intrapersonal, having given up on the outside world and began to explore my own mind. Soon the time will come when I have to make a very important decision where I will have to trust my soul and my guides. I found the greatest escape, but on the physical plane I am so unhappy.

Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget how worthless Jonathan really is".

The second bizarre part happened around midnight, when a good friend of mine came knocking on my door in hysteria and tears. Being the gent I am, I let her in and helped console her as the story she told unfolded into a mental picture-book in my head. Did I worry more about whether I placed too little trees in some of the pictures, or that she just broke up with her boyfriend? Trees or misery? Nature or
human-inflicted pain? I ended up finding myself hugging a tree, so I had to pry myself away and tug my own collar all the way to reality. She is a nice person and for some reason I always end up helping people, so I talked with her for 4 hours. I calmed her down and had her speak for a long time before I said any reply. I hope I helped atleast, but I am sure she is back in his bed as I write this.


=) =( =| *the faces of Trinity*

My thoughts are (sweet home Alabayma) are drifting (because I'm a wiillldd oonneeee), meditative drifting of (like a raynbow in the daarrrkk!!) conscience, irrevently unaware (pour some suga on maaaaye) of time nor (like a maaaniac, maaaaaniiaacc) space. Like a stone, concrete, gray wall looming up into the heavens, infinite reach, inifite height. I do not understand infinity, and I really think that nobody can ever really grasp its concept. But what do we humans do? We stick it with the mathematicians and they drill it unnaturally into formulas and equations. Everytime I hear the word 'infinity', my breath stops, I feel my mind becoming very confused until it locks up, with the entire process taking a splitsecond. Why do we humans rely on science and mathematics so much? Do they really have the potential to spew out all the answers to the universe? My opinion, no. I see using infinity in equations as a false relief, a false assurance that we can acknowledge the true meaning of its very essence.

It's funny how the moment a human shrieks as they take a step backwards our of fright, a cat's ears will automatically perk up,signaling the motive of 'move in a secure the area'. They will usually walk, cautiously, to the spot where us human felt our skin crawl.


Why Do You Feel The Need To Think......
To Strive In This Abyss...
Your Body Heavy, Your Head Acting As The Dead Weight..
There Is Nothing here, Just Blinding Emptiness..
Your Mind, The Greatest Magician Of Reality.




xero blogged on 2/17/2004 10:17:00 PM


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Settle For Less Later

Settle for the score, do not tempt my vengeance anymore. Which cup shall I drink from hereforth shall only be laced with poison of my own making. Derr....the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre is playing soon in Prague, which I will try to attend. The Czech translation as seen on billboards around the metro stations is 'Texaský MasakR Motorovou Pilou'. I really love this title as the name just screams murder. I think the only reason I am going to try to see this flick is so I can say the title in Czech, as a drone, while I walk into the theatre and then when I walk out afterwords. If everyone would just make up a song for each activity of the day, improvise, grunt upwards when strolling and glimpsing upwards to see a bird fly overhead , let the sopranos ring when pumping gas for the car, baby wailing alarm clocks! 3 Barbers doing the 3 tenors!!

Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget the unrealized reality for each situation".

I am trying to think of a few souless writers, but I am so damn sick of thinking, in general. All I ever do is think to myself. This is the exact reason why people will look at you weird and call you strange if you like being alone. They know that you will be thinking alone and they think you are crazy to endure such intensity. People are so afraid to be all alone, where not even the silence can cast away the on rush of thoughts via thinking. Some people will do anything to have a person sleep in their bed every night, just so they won't truly have to think alone. The closer you are to a person, the easier natural telepathy is, as your phsyical reality is set in the same scene. Works for me anyway, as it should for anyone who is good at reading body language and decoding brain waves. But I like to be alone, all the time, and when a friend wants me to hang out, I feel frustrated with myself for ever making friends. It is such a hassle and I don't see why anybody would like to hang out with me anyway. I am certainly not used for my money, nor am I brought to pubs as a women attractor. Maybe it is all the cat hairs I have all over my jacket, friends might use me as a wind-breaker and an insulator with all that cat hair. I don't know where this is going and I lost track of my original thought, so I will end this now.

Is it sinister to drink water while watching the snow fall?

*This happened yesterday. I am posting this a day later* I interupt this because I am gaining so much power with this insane storm we are having right now! This such an unbelievable storm, I will never forget it. 41 degrees outside, I glance up at the sky through my window and witness a huge black mass downsloping right into my window. I got up out of my seat to investigate, and I was shooken backwards from the huge mass hitting the window. I correct my vision to see that it is ice. I look up at the sky and I saw waves upon waves of ice, which I believe to actually be hail. The wind now is going 40 miles per hour (according to up to second weather conditions) and it seems to be swirling, possibly a rotation. I then see the zizkov tower, which is 2 blocks away from my window view, go up in a swirl of wind and ice, whipping around it, shaping like a funnel. I get a little worried that a tornado has touched down 2 freakin blocks away from me and that my camera has no batteries. And suddenly the ice changes into massive snow flakes, being blown doward at atleast 30 miles per hour. It looked like butterfiies being blown down, with their wings trying to act like parachutes. Now I am sitting back down, the wind died down a little, but the sky is black and the snow is falling at an unbelievable rate. Uh, and I just heard some loud thunder. A really great storm and I am going to go out now to investigate the scene. Goodbye warm weather, 57 degrees everyday last week and welcome home winter, we missed you!



xero blogged on 2/09/2004 04:56:00 PM


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Wicked Palace

As the president, what does it feel like to have that much power and control? Can you giggle at that notion, walk with a broken spring in and out of news briefings? Do all the world leaders have fun together, in this intricate puzzle we have built for ourselves? Are we the rats running the labrynth while the leaders stand around laughing at our doom? It's all a game anyway, and I find it so interesting none the less. I can't be upset or depressed about the fate of the world anymore, because truthfully I am too fascinated like a little boy with watching the behaviours and actions of as many people in this world that I can. I definetly haven't stopped my laughter about the situation though, hoping that, whoever is controlling this world through an arcade game machine, just touched jelly-slimed controller knob and one of the buttons is sticky from peanut butter, so the button sticks a lot. Luckily, this button only controls our alarm clocks, so when it does stick, our alarm clocks somehow turn off by themselves, causing us to be late for work and having to try to explain the alarm clock to our boss. Damn you creator, you wicked bastard!

Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget that rain falls downwardly"

Today I went to the Book Palace for my first time and quickly became happy when I saw the volume of books in this store. I might have licked my chops as well, but that is just an instinct. 4 floors of books, including a nice cafe, and it had a brilliant English section. 40 minutes later, and after finger-printing dozens of books, I walked out of the store with John Irving's 'Setting Free The Bears', which I started on the tram ride home and I already hooked. I also bought lighter fluid today, which makes me super happy. Dobře.

"If you bring lions to your home,
They'll want to stay for dinner"


xero blogged on 2/07/2004 06:31:00 PM


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Bulgarian Rhapsody

In Bulgaria, the word yes is "da" and no is "ne" (i think), but when shaking your head up and down, it will mean no. When you shake your head from side-to-side, it means yes. Kinda weird, eh? So if I ever venture into Bulgaria, I will remember not to shake my head for anything, and just stick with the words da and neh. Cf course it is engrained into us to shake our heads at the same time saying yes or no. God, just please conform already! For the freaking love of tuberculosis!

So I just tried another fine selection of czech marijuana, and all I can say is "wow". A very fruity batch, keep on tasting an orange flavor with a nice sweet flowerly smell that makes me jingle to that ol' nursery rhyme. But I do feel blessed to be surrounding by such beautiful buds, the fine threaded golden hairs, the voluptious piercing crystals and the perfect manicured leaves. Makes for a beautiful smoke, especially on a beautiful fall Sunday afternoon, with the wind hinting of a ever-nearing winter, the sun making its way by patches through the half leafed maple trees, as the SquiRRelS DrEAm oF rIPPING YoUR FucKIN EyES OUT.

"Some say never forget the alamo, well I say never forget to de-virgin a marijuana flower". Amen brotha.

I had a revelation today, but the aftertaste was mighty sour. I realized that I learn the Czech's months as I live in that month. So I know that February is Unor, but I won't know March for another 3 weeks. Kinda shitty to have to live through 12 months to finally know just 12 measly Czech words. And what is worse is, that I started this rememberance in January, even though I moved here in July! I got suckered-punched out of 6 months! I admit I am very bad with the Czech language, and spend most of my time poking fun at it, instead of really trying to learn it. I teach English for god's sake, should it be any other way? I am kidding around, but the language is quite difficult, I believe it is the 2nd or 3rd hardest language to learn (first being danish). My motivation to learn Czech more constantly, was raped by the fact that only 10 million people speak Czech. But, if I can learn Czech really well, then I can understand most Slavic languages pretty easily. Between The Czech and the Slovak (slovakia mother tongue), the difference is like between Spanish in Mexico and Spain. Some words are different, but on the whole you will understand 90%. Another slavic language is of course a biggie, Russian. Russian does use a different form of alphabet, but once you learn the letters, the words will be simliar sounding to Czech. There are a few more countries that speak a Slavic language.

I like being here. I like sitting in front of a desk here looking at the Zizkov Tower through my window, with the beautiful whispy clouds we had today and such spring-like weather! It hit 56 today, just incredible. Right now at 10:10pm, it is still 52 degrees. It is exactly like the eye of the hurricane, just a nice little break before the onslaught of artic air and feiry blown snow. Enjoy the democracy kiddies, because papa is going to war.

I feel that the next big anxiety of a riot in the world will be when humans are being born with a different shaped cranium. Governemnt will be locking up as many of these babies as possible, police shooting at free will as an irregular-cranium shaped baby girl is trying to crawl through the street, with a fatal terror of 'run for your life' look in her eyes. The government at first impliments a program called 'snatch and twist', which is actually what the people of the rebellion called it. The formal government name was coded: C.U.A. Control.Under.Analyzation. In reality, government medial officials were stationed in special designated buildings for the birth process. If the baby was 'of the other type', it would be immediatly be taken away into a secured wing of the hospital, made special for the goverment for their famous label; 'problem'. The evolved human were still being born without government supervision all over the world, and the governement could not contain it one bit. The problem turns out that these evolved humans try to outlive by any means necessary the former 'regular humans'. It isn't forced, but it is part the natural selection of species. Us, as we once proclaimed to be the top of the animal kingdom, are now pushed down a notch, with some of us now realizing that we actually do survive in order to live (like the jocks, princesses) and others of higher thinking now seeing that we can be a doomed race, as they out do us in everything. Just like the short-necked and long-necked giraffe situation.

And I just thought of the coolest idea for a website. Here is the deal: It is a writing website, where people create FREE accounts, and it is for writing stories. The catch is, you have to add a paragraph a day, otherwise your account gets cancelled. So it is a challenge, a big challenge, at the same time fun and a very imaginative tool. After say a month, or 3 months, a panel of judges is picked to read over the people still in the game, and pick the best story, idea, etc, etc. Maybe I will try to setup a website like this.

Am I insane? Help me if I am.


xero blogged on 2/04/2004 10:16:00 PM


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My cat is pissy at me for some reason. It has been like this for a couple days now, I feel this coldness, the 'evil eye of the woman', if you will, and we haven't been hanging out at all. Kind of weird. Ok, the scoop is that my cat, Trinity, and I have really deeply bonded. And you know what, I am so FUCKING SICK of people asking if I got the name from the matrix. Like I remember how me and my ex-girlfriend (I wish it didn't have the ex next to it though =..{ ) got our cat's name? It might have been from the movie, The Matrix, I am not sure, but now I want to find out. I think she named the cat. Anyway, about the bondage. Bonds SHOULD be called bondage, because that is what bond came from, and it really reveals the true nature of the word. I think humans shortened the word bondage (negative meaning) to bond (positive meaning) because of the very reason of trying to bring some positive notion into this world. The only heavenly golden rays striking the earth is just in our head. But Trinity is a special cat and I love her a lot. We bonded because we both witnessed something bad. I wish I could have been the father, and Trinity the little hair callus-prone boy, and I would have tried to protect her, maybe by covering her eyes, but the sound of wailing misery would have hurt her just the same. Have I covered her big fragile ears, she would have been blinded by the utter abondement. And if I had covered both her mouth and ears, she would have smelled the wretched decay of my life. Forget about what I felt during that time, but Trinity's reaction alone would have brought anyone to tears. If I have ever heard real deep sobbing from an animal, it was then. Meanwhile, she would hide in a dark corner, all coiled up like a snake, just wimpering and never picking her head up, as it was hidden in her massive fur. It is hard for me to think about the first night, without my eyes feeling they are about to pour water all over myself, and it is very fragmented in my head as well. But I clearly remembering trying to pick up and hug Trinity, but each time I finally was able to catch her, I would be crying so loud she would freak out even more and she would jump out of my arms and go berzerk. She lost a lot that day, 2 bestfriends. Can't forget vacy-poo-poos!

And this is what I teach my students everyday, stuff like the word bondage and bond. hahaha. Just kidding, though I do come pretty close sometimes to my own philosophical rules for English grammar or for any question my students my pose. Usually I use this tactic when I don't know the real answer, so I will go off on a philosophical tangent, mixed in are some jokes so I don't have to hear the deafining silence of their melting brains, and I spew out this conglmaration of stale puked english garble. But on a more sane note, I do incorporate into my classroom the excerise of using one's brain as the muscle it is. It needs to be worked, and I think my students really appreciate me giving them an hour and half of their day out to working their brains for once. I hated the office drone you become, sitting at work atleast 8 hours a day staring at a computer monitor, collecting empty instant-coffee plastic cups in the corner of your snug cubicle, and right above on the one little area of desk where you would have some room to actually use a pen and write, stands the 1 picture of your loved one and 2 pictures of your pets. So I ask my students a lot of philosophical, social, and some times medical type of questions. Not only do they get to pratice using English (american style, yo!), they get to use it in a natural situation. I really do not like workbooks, like Headway because they can't teach the students this type of thing. Sure, the newer editions are trying to add content like this, to make the students think, but it still falls short and can never be the real thing.

I am anti-livejournal and here is why I choose blogs over livejournal any day of the week. Think of the name livejournal. Journal. Who the fuck really wants to read another person's journal? Well, it is nice to read the journal's of the real kind of person. Let me explain because I lack apparently vocabulary that would explain this in like 3 words. I don't feel everybody in this world should be given a journal. The people who would naturally use a journal are the ones who should use it. So a website with the explosive popularity of livejournal.com is going to attracte a lot more un-natural journal users (the real deal), adding to the overabundent crap found on the internet. Do I really want to see some un-natural journal user's livejournal and read about this person painting their nails 3 different colors and what the person bought at the mall? That is why I prefer blogs, because that kind of spammage is tend to be found less.

I want to hear a program that will say the infamous "hello world", and then you hear every ethnic and cultural voice found in the world, saying "Hello" and then what ever your name is. That, I would enjoy to hear.

I bet at this instant some kid is looking at the under-side of his first special owned cd and frowning at the magnitude of scratches on the surface. Well I say Tough luck big cheeks, go to mama and drink your apple-juice. Good night!


xero blogged on 2/02/2004 07:24:00 PM


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today was a good day.

I feel naked.
I love lunacy, it brings out the real espionage down on market street.
It is so weird when your physical shell and the person you really are don't feel in harmony. Somedays I wake up and I feel my real person sticking its head out this physical shell, maybe trying to get some fresh air from all the toxins and disease I inhibit. It definetly makes it a hard day on me, to even accomplish the simplest tasks. But why is the person side me trying to physically escape? Does it mean I want to kill myself, or I need to kill myself? Maybe this is a signal, a warning, I should get out now before I won't be able to for some unknown reason. I guess I am ready to pack my bags for a little mind trip, but I am afraid that there is no return ticket. Nobody ever makes a real guarentee. Why? Because us humans love conflict. We a lot of times create a conflict on purpose, so maybe that is it right now. My body and mind are in conflict. What is bizarre is that I feel like the guy in the middle of them 2. But how can that be, I have to side with one of them and be that one. I really do hope I am my soul, that I didn't leak all over my skeleton and now I am death. Maybe the earth is where we die in the whole spectrum of things, so this is hell, the souless ones. I mean look around and see the horrors that are committed everyday, there is no one innocent person on this planet. We are so disgusting, because we are in hell. Hell is disgusting. What the hell did I do wrong before being put into hell?!? Hopefully it was something cool atleast, if you are gonna suffer in hell, might as well have done something pretty extreme to get here. Maybe that is the 'devil talking inside of me'. Heh. Anybody who has to deal with my corniness will know at that moment they are in hell, as it is just horrid, but I like it.

Going back to the soul leakage, maybe this is not hell, and my soul didn't weaken so, where it would finally crack and I would become the skeleton of death. Maybe I am my soul, but there is some dark entity inside of me, and really there is no room for him. Maybe this demon-eque entity is putting these strange thoughts and feelings into my head, trying to force the person inside me out, so it can have total control over me! Such a conflict in my life, jesus.

Some say "never forget the alamo", well I say "never forget to not piss off your garbagemen". naschledanou!


xero blogged on 2/01/2004 03:50:00 PM


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